Friday, February 18, 2011

MeHole Martins 4 Noble Truths

1. "All pain and misery in the world had nothing to do with me, MeHole Martin. Most of it was caused by Blueshirts, Joan Burton, Vincent Brown, the Greens and possibly Biffo. Mehole Martin was not responsible."

2. "Only me, MeHole Martin, can end all pain and misery in the world. Everyone else is lying and their policies are faulty. Better to put your faith in our complete lack of recovery policies. I mean, whats the worst that can happen....dont mention emigration, mass unemployment, bankers, bailout, IMF, traitors or anything else that might leave a bad reflection upon the icon that is Mehole Martin at this point."

3. "Gerry Adams economic plan for recovery involves selling Irish children to Nigerian pirates and sacrificing old age pensioners to Neptune, god of the sea. Fianna Fail would only cull a certain percentage of children and OAPs."

4. "MeHole Martin never harmed anyone and missed out on the corruption of Celtic Tiger era Fianna Fail because he was busy saving the rain forest and feeding homeless people. He had nothing to do with the bank bail out as he was busy setting up a school for impoverished lame pandabears that day. He missed the IMFs arrival as he was walking barefoot across Africa, curing Malaria and digging new wells as he went along."

If you believe in the Bullshitist views of Mehole Martin, vote FF, FG, Labour, the Greens or dont vote on the 25th.

If you believe in change, vote Sinn Féin.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

MeHole Martin explains Economics

"Hello, I'm MeHole Martin. You may remember me from such films as 'Cowens Accomplice' and 'Berties Noddin Dog 3'". I'm here to talk to you about econam... and shite."

"Not many people know this, but Fianna Fail wisely used Celtic Tiger money for many, many fine projects.
  • The River Shannon: We're responsible for that. A fine river that was promised in our 1997 election manifesto.
  • RyanAir: Willie O' Dea invented the airplane in 2001 and we've been flying high ever since.
  • Rachel Allen: €50 Billion was invested in her education and I think you'll agree it was well worth it. She bakes a fine cake."
"As I am the leader of Fianna Fail, I am responsible for all these good things (Not the bad ones, they were Biffos mistakes). Because of this I am the perfect person to talk to you about and shite."

"A recent Red C/Fianna Fail/Eoghan Harris poll found that 99.99% of Irish people believe we did the right thing selling our nations sovereignty and agreeing to bankrupt generations of Irish people to bondholders who have no legal right to even one penny. A recent Brian Lenihan/Womans Way poll found that 112% of Irish people believe closing hospital, slashing investment in education and forcing our youth to emigrate is a good thing. On these polls I am confident that I am the one to talk to the Irish people and shite."

"Don't listen to the false promises of Gerry Adams. Hes from up there in Iceland where things are different. I don't want people like Gerry, Dana and MacGyver coming down from Iceland and teaching my people about fraud. I know we're all at it, but we in Fianna Fail believe fraud should be kept hush hush. Sweep it under the carpet like institutional abuse, partition and Matty McGrath. Bertie had a funny old saying; "If your going to rob Peter to pay off your golf club membership, keep it quite, or Ill cut off your balls." That Bertie was a character."

"Heres the thing about money and shite. We're the experts, not you. "

"So your unemployed? Be optimistic. Dallas is back on rte in the mornings."

"Your short on cash? Take up begging. Its tax free."

"Your sick and cant see a doctor? Self medicate. Alcoholism was approved by De Valera."

"Fianna Fail have the answers Ireland."

To vote for Mehole Martin, vote Fianna Fail, Fine Gael, Labour, Greens or don't vote.

To vote for change, vote Sinn Féin.